Saturday, February 12, 2011

How Tweet it Is



Where did I put that MyOwn Horn? Oh here it is! (Removes from black case. Admires red velvet interior. Sees reflection, notices poppyseed in teeth. Puckers.)

TOOT TOOT!

My tweet was recently named a part of Totally Terrific Tweets on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon blog. Special thanks to Jon Friedman for noticing. Follow him on twitter! @friedmanjon

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Enter Sandman


Wop Wop Wop you got going on Sunday? Want to hang out at the famous Apollo Theater?

See me perform on behalf of the TriBeCa Performing Arts Center* at The Apollo’s Open House Weekend, sponsored by Target**, Sunday February 6th at 1:30PM. But you don't have to wait until Sunday. The open house begins on Sat Feb 5th, and you'll see all kinds of organizations represented. What a wonderful way to celebrate Black History Month by visiting a historic black landmark where you can see a pretty black lady tell jokes!

I don't think anyone will be able to tap dance me off since it's not televised, but there will be a panel of judges, and unless it's my family, talking into a banana won't make them like me. So I have to bring the big guns. (Larger bananas).

All of this is a precursor to a fabulous show I will host starring Leighann Lord.

Leighann Lord with Black Women in Comedy
Sat Feb 19 at 8PM
TriBeCa Performing Arts Center
$15


*Check out TriBeCa Performing Arts Center on Facebook!

**Additional generous support is provided by Aetna

Monday, January 31, 2011

Board Game Flashback: Operation



Subconsciously, kids are probably attracted to playing Operation because you get to turn the tables on a clown. Take back the fright. He's much smaller, naked, stuck on his back, and helpless to your maniacal probing with terrifying instruments. He doesn't look happy about this. He's sorry he scared you in so many movies and cartoons.

My immediate memory of this game is how impossible it is to play. It's like trying to remove a pimento from an olive using salad tongs. But you can't touch the olive. An off-putting buzzing sound alerts you to your ineptitude. The game bypasses an opportunity to teach anatomical accuracy and instead employs idioms like a butterfly representing butterflies in the stomach, a horse representing a charlie horse in the leg or a pail representing water on the knee. But some of the removable objects go beyond pun territory into a land called JUST THINK OF SOMETHING - WE HAVE A DEADLINE. A pencil in the wrist to indicate a writer's cramp (ouch), a bread basket located in the gut (huh?), an area with no name, just a song lyric - "the ankle bone's connected to the knee bone". What bone? It's a rubber band. Are there any bones in this body? Oh yeah a funny bone, which is the hilarious shape of a typical bone.

The picture above suggests there is money involved in this game, but kids are interested in the extraction not subtraction. Most of my friends and I just took turns failing at surgical procedures. A great pre-cursor to med school.

As with every board game I lost, this is how I usually reacted 15 minutes in.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Adventures in Your Computer

I've been appearing online different places. Luckily I have a net that can capture all of these magical moments. An Internet net! Time for a net-net investment in Internet nets Annette!



This is my joke about hairless cats which may not be loved by those to whom hairless cats are beloved. In the Joke of the Day series, a comedian tells a joke, and the viewer gets to choose to have fruits or vegetables be thrown! Fresh, not frozen.

I'm also on Uinterview.com. They have a segment called U Rant, where you get to share your two cents on a pop culture current event. Like Hollywood's reaction to Ricky Gervais hosting the Golden Globes...



...or the hundred year-old news of Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal stopping pretending to be dating. Triple Gerund! Time to reward myself with a new MLA Handbook.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Live and In Person



Here are places you can see my act live this week!

Tues Jan 18
8:00PM - Positively Awesome at Cellar 58
9:30PM - Sits and Jigles at Creek and the Cave

Wed Jan 19
8:30PM - Brew House Comedy at Astoria Brewhouse (pictured above)

Friday, January 14, 2011

Today I'd Like You To Think About Cinnamon Roll Ear Muffs



Much like the unicorn, they don't exist. But unlike the unicorn, there aren't even any Photoshopped pictures of them online! What gives? I want a pair. When you Google "Cinnamon roll ear muffs" you get a website called Naughty Secretary. I can only guess which key word brings it up.

Anyway, while I wait for the makers of ear muffs to get a modicum of creativity, I have purchased these in the mean time:



Ear Mitts,the bandless ear muffs

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

So THIS is Happening on Thursday



Get your tickets today!
Not Getting It: Rejection and Resilient Ignorance
Thurs Jan 13, 2011 at 6:00PM
UCB Theater
307 W. 26th St (between 8th and 9th aves)
New York, NY 10001
212-366-9176
$5

For five dollars you get to check out THREE amazing shows. In addition to mine, you'll see:

The Sandino Book Club: Catcher in the Rye

Welcome to Camp


The title of my show is misleading. It could totally be about the number of times I have interpreted "No," to mean, "Please try again," but who wants to see a show about me asking a guy out / telling bad jokes / applying glitter nail polish to my eye lids to create a shimmer effect?

This is about the decline of celebrity, the delusion of self-importance and the warm and fuzzy feeling redemption brings. Plus an excuse to dress like a kid, poke fun at political figures and do a Carol Channing impression. Can't wait to see you there!

Directed by Kate Tellers
Flier by Greg Gilbert of Aemiessence Fine Arts
Video in the show by Daniel Lang

Friday, December 31, 2010

SPANK You Very Much


On Thurs Jan 13, 2011 at 6:30PM I will debut a solo show at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater:

Not Getting It: Rejection and Resilient Ignorance

On a quest to salvage her ratings, life coach-turned-TV personality Dr. Newberry invites her viewers to participate in a slogan-writing contest. The responses range from death threats to epithets and she couldn't be more honored.

Dr. Newberry is a character I've been performing in the city, and you might be suprised to see which people make up her regular viewing public (hint: other characters I've been performing in the city). Here's a sneak preview to see her in action: clickable link to VIDEO of Dr. Newberry

Directed by the fabulous Kate Tellers

SPANK at UCB Theater
Admission: $5

UCB Theater NY
307 W. 26th Street
New York, NY 10001
212-366-9176

Monday, December 13, 2010

Enter Doofus


You know those great commercials where a couple is giving a testimonial to the viewers at home, and a sales associate is standing there calmly? You sit at home and think, "They could replace that person with a giant fern and I wouldn't miss him/her". Well picture me as the fern, doing the following at an audition:

Take one:
The couple announces they tried shopping elsewhere for furniture, and then they came to my store for the better price. There's silence. I'm four feet away, looking at them stand together.

Director: You're supposed to enter the frame to stand next to them and read your line, Abbi.
Me: Oh, right. I thought they would walk back over to me. Even though you explained that I would walk to them. I thought the camera would pan back to where we were all standing at first. But I got it now.

Take two:
The couple says they came to my store for the better price. I walk in and look at the cue card and say, "I told them we have the best deals in town," then I look away from the card at the couple and blank so I add, "...all the right stuff. All the right stuff."

Director: Remember to look at the camera, not the cue card when you say your line. And please say the whole line correctly. And don't repeat a line that's not even on the cue card.
Me: Oh yeah, I will. I wasn't sure if you wanted me to be married to the script or not. Because I started reading it directly, but I wanted to sound natural, so I winged it by reading what I thought it should say. Okay I will just look at the camera the whole time.

Take three:
The couple starts to talk and I walk in and say, "I told them we have the best deals...oh you're not done talking. IDIOT!" I slap my forehead and back out.

Director: Well that's the first time I've heard someone shout, "Idiot!" at one of these things.
Me: Yes, I don't know what's wrong with me, hahaha! Oh no, now I've got the giggles! (To actress) You were talking, and I interruped. I should have waited my turn!
Actress: (glares)
Me: Hahahaha, okay, so this time you guys go first HAHAHA!
Couple: (glares)

The fourth take, I nailed it. If by "nailed it" you understand that I faced the camera but read the line incorrectly again. I also threw in emphatic hand gestures to convey what a great deal this couple was getting. This made me burst out laughing again.

At the elevator, I started to chat up the guy of the couple with, "You'd think it was brain surgery in there!" He gave a pursed-lips smile, got on his phone and turned his back to me.

Fight Night

As if we aren't already aware of how busy we are, my husband Luke and I can't have real fights unless they're penciled into our agendas.



Look out Holihans!



I have my thing before the dinner so let's do it afterwards...does that work for you?



See you then!