Trig or Treat!

2008 Portrait Contest

Hey gang! We are now accepting submissions to the 2008 Portrait contest. As many of you know, Abbi's favorite thing to paint is portraits.

If your favorite thing is Abbi, bring the two together! What a great combo; like chocolate and peanutbutter or pistols and powerpoint presentations.

But what do you WIN? The comedian/artist herself will paint YOUR portrait if you are selected as the grand prize winner. Her work is posted on the Fan Art page of CurlyComedy.com


Here she is with last year's winner, Brian and the portrait she made of him and his dog Mo.

E-mail your scanned drawing, etching, painting, sculpture, or macaroni art to: curlycomedy(at)yahoo.com

DEADLINE IS DECEMBER 31, 2008

Mi Casa es Mi Casa

My latest post on HipSlopeMama.Blogspot.com is called "The Great Debate", about which place to keep after Luke and I aren't swinging bachelors anymore.

Luke has run a smear campaign, citing my ceiling that fell in, my routinely blown fuses and my damp hallway from the neighbor’s leaky shower. I have no choice but to issue a plea to the American public.

Click here to read the whole post. And don't forget to leave some feedback there.

Ask Abbi: What's Up?

Michael Jackson and Eddie Murphy in 'Whatzupwitu'

Mo of modiggs.net writes:

Dear Abbi,

What's up?

Thanks for writing and asking me how things are. So few people take the time to do this anymore, not to mention in such an eloquently succinct (and succinctly eloquent) way.

My schedule is quite packed. Thursday I was at the Duplex for On the Rocks with Danny Leary, The Living Room had a Halloween Scare-avaganza on Friday, I was in the Delusions of Spandex Halloween show on Saturday, and I was in another show called Pinstripes and Plaid where I performed a sketch Luke wrote and a character piece as Michelle Obama. I was running around so much I had to cancel my appearance at Schtick or Treat, which sounded like a really fun time.

But you probably didn't want to know about a schedule you could conveniently review in the side bar to the right. Perhaps you were merely testing the Ask Abbi guidelines, curious to see whether sarcastic questions are answered. If that was a joke, then you leave me no choice but to answer in kind:

chicken butt.

Then again, you are a writer who chooses words carefully. You may like to know literally, what is up.

10. The sky
9. Warren Buffet's spirits
8. Mario Batali's cholesterol
7. Barack Obama's approval rating in Colorado.
6. Amy Poehler's time at Saturday Night Live since she had a kid.
5. The down elevator I wait for at lunch.
4. In my estimation, The Unit, for its riveting storytelling.
3. The price of milk
2. Whatever is thrown in the air by toddlers (today's item: a tupperware of Cheerios)
1. The jig

Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

Photo credit:
www.transbuddha.com

Pen Pals

Take time today to write your sponsored child! Your letters will establish a special relationship between you and the child you sponsor.

Ms. Abbi Crutchfield,

How are you doing? Praise God I am fine. Thank you so much for all your support to me. Happy New Year and Merry Christmas. I got your letter and 2 photos. I am so happy. I am doing well and I am happy. My family is also happy. Bye for now.

Keep your letters simple. Emphasize things you have in common.

Dear Friend,

Thank you for writing me! You sound very happy. I am happy too.

Send pictures of yourself and your family.

Here is another picture of my sister. People say we look alike. Here is my mother. She is white like the people who send you my letters. Some people in America think I am from Ethiopia, but you probably don't think I look like anyone you know.

Send postcards of where you live and places you've visited.

Here is a postcard of my home state: Indiana. You are looking at a theme park called Indiana Beach. A theme park is a place for people to eat food that is bad for them and get on rides that may kill them. It is fun.

Flat paper items are the only things we can forward. Items such as jewelry are usually confiscated by customs officials in other countries.

Please enjoy these stickers shaped like fruit. They are called "scratch-n-sniff", and are made of chemicals to simulate the smell of food. You may want to, but you should not eat them. In America we are obsessed with food. Our soap, shampoo and lotion smells like fruits and spices and chocolate. We make candles that smell like food too. We don't use candles for light anymore. We use them for decor. I am running out of room on my card.

Please do not send sexually explicit materials or comments.

Remember I told you I am getting married to a man named Luke? We look forward to being married because then we will have more time to...write lots of letters and smell lots of stickers together. I am happy.

Your friend,
Ms. Abbi Crutchfield

I Couldn't Agree With Him More

Hilarious Clip du Jour of Sen. John McCain.

MCCAIN: In case...I think you may have noticed that Senator Obama's supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about Western Pennsylvania lately.
CROWD: BOO!
MCCAIN: And you know...I couldn't agree with him more.
CROWD: (Silence)...wtf?
MCCAIN: I couldn't disagree...with YOU...I couldn't agree with you more than the fact that Western Pennsylvania is the most patriotic, most God-loving--
CROWD: Yeaaah!
MCCAIN: --Most...most patriotic part of America. This is a great part of the country!
CROWD: Hooray!

Cindy McCain gets the award for maintaining her composure throughout. Seriously. If that had been Luke making the speech, I would have leaned over and corrected him. Then made a face at the camera. Then made "twirling my hair and brushing my teeth" motions in his direction. Then I would have pulled out a cream pie and smooshed it in his face. Then drank a Martini and said, "Night night," and smashed the glass over my head, falling to the floor. But that's what makes our relationship work.

Photo credit:
236.com

Who Knows Best? Dirty Comic vs. Christian Comic

Curly Comedy sits down with two performing stereotypes to interview them on their technique.

On Black Audiences

Dirty Comic: I love black rooms. I've been on BET's Comic View several times. Because I'm white, they always look at me like, "What's this chump doing here?" And then I cue the DJ to play some Gerald Levert while I hump the stool. I do my bit called B****es Ain't Sh** which ends with a back flip, and then I start break dancin' (gets up to pop and lock), and they're like, "Aww sh**! This is the hotness!" (sits down). I got a standing ovation at Showtime at the Apollo. You have to be sympathetic to the race and meet them at their level.

Christian Comic: I perform for a lot of all-black churches. If there's one thing that unites audiences of all races it's God's love. And cable knit sweaters.

On Clothes

Dirty Comic: Leather. Always. It says Early Chris Rock, it's an homage to the Dice Man, and the crowd subconsciously thinks you're tough (if you haven't shadow boxed your way onto the stage already). Also a clean pair of drawers in case you get lucky later.

Christian Comic: I find a neatly pressed button-down shirt says, "I'm not threatening, and I'm an upstanding citizen." It's important to let your audience know you're there to make them laugh and not to scare them. For taped specials I wear something a family member made me, and throw it over the shirt. It's a shout-out immortalized in VHS.

On Having Draw

Dirty Comic: When I get booked to a club I make 'em a deal. I say, "If I fill the house, I take the door, but I'll sell my merch' out back in the alley." This works pretty good except in the winter. Business slows down because fewer people want a jersey that says, "I Wash My Balls". I gotta remember to invest in baseball shirts.

Christian Comic: Well, I always offer my services free to a church, but they take up a collection for me and never let me go home empty-handed because God is good. At middle schools, we usually agree to a set fee, and I get a free hot lunch. Some supplemental income comes from working as a motivational speaker at conventions in hotel ballrooms. Most of my draw is as a wedding singer.

On Drinking While Performing

Dirty Comic: I used to go on stage with a Hennesey and Coke and a cigarette, unless it was a young crowd, and then I'd just drink the beer on the table in front of me. But that was in the '80s. I gotta take care of my health now--doctor's orders--so it's strictly water on stage for me. And vodka after the show.

Christian Comic: I do a bit with Mr. Pickles here (holds up black cat puppet, says through teeth,"Your detter half,") Better half? Oh now, come on. He drinks a glass of water while I sing, and the audience just howls. (Through teeth, "I prefer nilk,") Yes, we all know you love milk, Mr. Pickles. ("Nilk and cookies") Now one more interruption like that, and I'm going to take you to get fixed! (puppets eyes get wide). Where was I? Oh yes, any other beverage on stage might spill on my guitar, so I abstain.

Ask Abbi: Red Carpet Content

Adria of www.impact-dc.com writes:

As a fan of your blog I would like to see/read more crafty writing and less photos/images of celebs.

Thank you for being a fan of the blog and for letting me know what you like to read most. I thought I would address this suggestion in an Ask Abbi installment to let you know how my posts come about.

Sometimes I write a joke for my act* that never makes it in or is so topical it won't stay in for long. It's usually easier to explain the concept in a blog post rather than whittle away at it on stage. Sometimes I have a conversation with friends and I explore it further in my blog. The latter method yields a lot of celebrity posts because that's my favorite topic during weekday lunches. An exchange about unusual celebrity baby names became the post "Overheard in an L.A. Daycare" which became the short film "L.A. Daycare" (see Videos in sidebar).

Then there is the third method for posting: I dig through garbage. Not only has this helped me to produce the most relatable topics, but I have also been able to furnish my home based on someone else's good credit score. It's a win for me and a win for readers. The only person who loses out is the victim of identity theft, but they have to learn life lessons some time.

To read more posts about the topics you like, please scroll down the sidebar and click on the Label that interests you most. Politics (Funny, not Biased), Cubicle Secrets (Office Stories), Bombing (Stories of Failed Performances), etc. And to avoid having to install a security system, I urge everyne to shred all important documents.

*For more on the joke-writing process, see The Method to My Madness.


Feel free to post your questions for Abbi in the comments section, to be answered in a later post, or write curlycomedy (at) yahoo.com with "Ask Abbi" in the Subject.

Photo credit:
voices.com

Age Ain't Nothin' But a Coincidence

Have a birthday coming up? You look good for your age! Whatever that means...

Cameron Diaz at 36


Real 36.


Lucy Liu at 40.


Real 40.


Madonna at 50.


Real 50.


Candace Bergen at 62.


Real 62.


Sophia Lauren at 74


Real 74


Demi Moore at 46 with three kids.


Real 46 with three kids.


Of course there are some exceptions...

Author Connie Briscoe in her 30s


in her 40s


and at age 56


New anti-aging serum ingredients: black DNA

M.I.A. is P.G.

All she wants to do is (pacifier sucking sound) and ("Row Row Row Your Boat") and have a baby!

Singer M.I.A. is expecting now, so I guess it's time to update my impression of her. Good thing I'm not a method actor.

Photo credit:
blackcelebkids.com