LOL Cats Builder

Inspired by Phaea's actual find on icanhascheezburger.com, here is my own homemade comic courtesy of the photo suppliers at LOL Cats Builder. It's Build-A-Bear for people who are approximately as funny as Cathy Guisewite.

DVDs Nuts

The following were described as "A classic game of cat and mouse". It becomes less classic and less accurate the more you read it on the box.

It Was a Dark and Stormy Night...

There are three remaining weeks for you to bang out the world's worst novel!

November is National Novel Writing Month, and I have joined Nanowrimo.org to take part. I'd like to infuse some bootcamp discipline with my writing style, and I'd like you to join me. The whole goal of this program is to encourage people to be enthusiastic and work on their output and follow-through. "The kamikaze approach forces you to lower your expectations, take risks, and write on the fly."

It's your chance to be like Kobayashi (without the intestinal damage)!



I chose to write the genre I spent my entire youth reading: mystery/suspense. I only have 616 out of 50,000 words finished, but that's because I keep trying to make it funny. Blame it on Clue. It takes place in an Indiana murder mystery theater called the Hoodunnit Hotel, from the point of view of one of their disgruntled performers. Here's the beginning of Three Scary Deaths and A Real One:

A room full of twenty people means the show will go on, even if half of them are teenagers who would rather be caught in the current rain storm than be dragged to a dinner theater performance. Families come to celebrate a forty-seventh birthday, encourage their daughter’s theatrical side or to make up for lack of communication with each other. Couples come to celebrate nuptials, find that spark again or to make up for lack of communication with each other. I look through the dressing room door and down the hallway to where the line of patrons starts. Out of view, it continues down a winding staircase that leads to the lobby bar, where some take their final swigs before the fun begins. I pity the couples with matching sweaters. “Fools,” I mutter as I slip on a pair of overalls and tie a rubber chicken to my head.

Hey, if skill, research and dignity are holding you back, I think there's a book you need to look into.


They don't even have opposable thumbs to hold a brush.

Discrimi-hate

People Haters! Mount up!

It was a clear black night, a clear white moon
Abbi C was checkin’ mail, trying to make room
For booking requests, but none comin’ in…
I turns to the ‘Net and reads the MSN.

(Nate Dogg)
Hit the Lower East Side of the NYC
On a mission trying to find Ms. Abbi C
Stoppin’ off at the Sunshine Bakery.
For some smooth butter cream cupcakery.

(Me)
So I took a listen to the man named Chapman.
His show is off the air and I said "What happened?”
He slurs on the phone—it’s all messed up
Enquirer caught it all and he said, "I'm stuck."

(Nate)
See these girls peepin’ me all skinny and white
Askin’ would I like to see a funny show tonight.
My girl Abbi’s on the phone talking bout some racists.
Got a blue-red decision like I’m in the Matrix.

(Me)
I'm gettin mad, I'm on my cell phone
I can't believe Nate is takin’ this long.
Another celeb hates my race and my sex.
I grabbed my computer, said, "Damn, who’s next?"

(Nate)
I like live comedy but it’s starting to sour
Cuz it’s twenty-two people on the Amateur Hour.
I gotta get to Brooklyn before Abbi’s mean
Plus all the jokes tonight are “Girls and Halloween.”

(Me)
Bounty Hunter’s callin’ blacks
The “F’n N-word”
Letting it loose like a dog lays turds.
But I shouldn’t be surprised
That there’s a race he hates.
I glanced in the cut and I see my homey Nate.

(Nate)
I’m here in the Slope tryin to get the news
But I’m interrupted by some Jesus-lovin’ Jews.
I knock ‘em out and realize just a tad bit late:
Nate Dogg and Bounty H both discrimi-hate.

We share the same name!
It makes my head explode...
Now I'm switching my mind back into peace mode.
If you want to make amends sit back and observe
I just left evangelists over there on the curb.

(Me)
Now Nate’s collecting pamphlets
And shaking their hands
And dusting off their vests and corduroy pants.

Own up, own up, cause it's wrong...
N-A-T-E and me
the Abbi to the C.

(Nate)
Just like I thought
they were in the same spot
still spreading the word.
the Nate Dogg and the A-child
don’t judge what we heard.
We went to grab dinner at Willie’s Dawgs
I said "Challah bun for me."
And then Abbi said "that’s a Jewish bread”
We can live in harmony.

I got a belly full of food and I’m feelin all right
I wonder what Michael Richards is doing tonight...

(Me)
I'm speaking
about a whole new era:
People
loving folks.
I dare ya.
Progressive
on a whole new level...

(Nate)
the rhythm is the bass and the bass is the treble!

(Me)
Words
Jerks
We tired of
Celebrity
Shut up
When your job is your life
your life’s on Access Hollywood.

(Nate)
If you know like I know
you don't wanna talk like this.
In the information era
you’ll get caught for your thoughts like this.
if you joke like she jokes
then you laugh like everyday.
but if you hate behind closed doors
then soon it’s gon’ be caught on tape.

Todd Barry's 20th Anniversary of Stand-up

Luke's birthday is this week, so last Thursday I took him to see Todd Barry Celebrating 20 Years of Stand-up Comedy at Union Hall in Park Slope, Brooklyn.

The lineup included
Tom Shillue
Heather Lawless
Tom Ryan
Sarah Silverman
Michael Showalter
H. Jon Benjamin
David Cross
Slovin and Allen
John Glaser
and Andy Blitz,

but my camera battery died at the top of the show, so I only got a couple of shots. Not only was it a great time, but all proceeds from the tickets went to The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.



Tom Shillue came out and interviewed Todd with questions he had gathered from the audience.


Newly married Heather Lawless of Variety Shac scored with her deadpan delivery.


Tom Ryan had a great set and reminisced about Todd.


Sarah Silverman asked if anyone had any questions about Todd and then worked into material about wholesome family bonding. Like showers with mom.


Michael Showalter showed us recorded screen shots of him winning Online Scrabble. Never challenge a writer.


H. Jon Benjamin showed a short film as a tribute to his buddy Todd. It included a guided tour into his apartment and ended in his bedroom. And he was in the bedroom. And he was nude.


David Cross was Luke's favorite of the night, ripping into global warming via its affect on fully-clothed Hasidic Jews. And then ripping into Hasidic Jews.


Slovin and Allen came out and riffed on headlines, but it turns out it's still too soon to talk about the Hindenburg.


John Glaser performed as Wackadoo, a famous Australian comic whose unique laser light show couldn't be shipped to Union Hall.

Andy Blitz was the last performer of the night and sang a spectacular song in angst towards an animal that's "just a cat".


Todd closed the show by passing out sweets! Cupcakes with his face on them.


Sweet.

Halloween Hangover

All the pumpkins are soggy, and the fake cobwebs have been rained on so they look like pillow stuffing. Halloween is Nos Finitu. Relive the excitement of these shows on Flickr.com!

The Living Room at Posmark Cafe
Oct. 26


Crystal Valentino decided to change her name to Crystal Halloweeno for the evening and invited her brother Trevor on stage (played by Neil Charles). Together they pondered perfume, candy corn and monster movies in a musical segment called, "Y'all Feel Me". For a full re-cap of this Halloween Scare-avaganza, go to the Living Room website.

Delusions of Spandex at Parkside Lounge
Oct. 27


Betty the Cat Lady was introduced as Cat Woman in the spirit of costumes and tomfoolery. She shared real audio of Senor Don Gato wooing Lake Kitty Cha-cha and reminded us of how many cat toys to gather in case of emergency evacuation.

Chicks and Giggles at Comix (Ochi's Lounge)
Oct. 30


This fabulous lounge is not pronounced "Oakeys" like the Italians would have you believe, but "Oh-Cheese" and you know there's plenty of that when it's time for a sketch show! The night featured nothing but characters for this HOWL-oween special. AB Carney as Aunt Flo, Becky Yamamoto, The Oh-Debra Twins, Livia and Biz from Meat, and more. I came in as Dr. Erick Newberry, feminist motivational speaker. Check your local listings for her self defense class using every day items, like a mascara wand for a shiv. Maybe it's time to run, and maybe it's Maybelline.

Poetry Vs. Comedy at Bowery Poetry Club
Oct. 31

Luke performed at Cheryl B's fantastic poetry-comedy throw down. Maurice the Landlord lamented that he didn't know "good comedy...like Leno's Headlines", and then went into a tirade against Bit-O-Honey. I joined in solidarity as a Cabbage Patch. Carolyn Castiglia hosted as a bee in solidarity with Jerry Seinfeld. Matt McCarthy read as Bad Ass Larry, Elon James White as Care Bear X, Katina Corrao was Strawberry Shortcake...have you checked out the pictures yet?!

Village Ma
Nov. 2
This was neither Halloween-themed nor did it take place on a holiday, but it was foreboding for each comedian, as there was a full house...of hecklers. Mike Ennis, Barry Rothbart and Jeff Cerulli produce a great show that is always a great time for the comics and the crowd. For a table of unsuspecting Spaniards, however, making people laugh for a living proved to be muy mal. I'm thinking of having my funeral in Spain by the way. Check me back there again Nov. 30!

Because It's Friday

I am planning on having lunch at Grimaldi’s pizzeria in Brooklyn this afternoon.

I don’t have a publicist, so I don’t know any other way to alert the paparazzi.

I’ll also be at the Village Ma tonight (107 MacDougal, 10012) at 10:00PM for Friday Night Special brought to you by Jeff Cerulli, Mike Ennis and Barry Rothbart. The last two are members of the sketch troupe The Straight Men.

Saturday I am doing a twenty-minute set at Blaggard’s Pub (45 W. 39th, btwn 5th & 6th ave, 10018). I should have passed a flier around like it’s my one-woman show, because it’s a unique opportunity in the town of 7-min performances. I will call it: Broad Humor: The Abbi Crutchfield Story

Witch Way to the Show?

I recently received a sample tub of orange goo with, “Mango Souflee” on the label. It smelled good, but I had no idea what it was for. I put it on my body as lotion, and then shrugged and rubbed the rest in my hair. Now I feel burning all over, and my head is itching. I’m going to need a Halloween costume that involves both neck-to-toe coverage and me shaving my head. Please submit ideas in the comments.

(And if you like telling biracial people what to do, read comedian J-L Cauvin’s blog and make a costume suggestion for him, too.)

Perhaps 'twas bad luck, and perhaps 'twiz a sign of All Hallow’s Eve!! Cackle, cackle von cackle. I have two shows this weekend that will delight the freaky and spook the deaky!

The Living Room presents its Second Annual Halloween Scare-avaganza!



Last year Luke was Bob Ross, Rocky Balboa, and then James Brolin as P.W. Herman. I was Condoleezza Rice. Everyone is invited to wear a costume. Prize for the best one!

Friday 8:00PM
Postmark Café
326 6th Street (btwn 4th & 5th aves)
Brooklyn, NY 11215

Delusions of Spandex

The monthly show features sketches by NYC’s best performers and is hosted by the comedy team Becca Jones and Phaea Crede. Go for an eclectic evening of hilarity and spook-arity. 'Twill be a SCREAM!

Saturday 7:00PM
Parkside Lounge
317 E. Houston (@ Attorney)

Joy to The World

I had a great time last Thursday performing at the JOY Variety Show produced by Gabe Pacheco (a member of the popular sketch troupe Impending Moustache). The venue is Sal Anthony's Movement Salon Theater.

I can't find pictures of everyone, so please accept their Unsolved Mysteries Re-enactment stand-ins.
Billy the Kid hosted and did a great job.

Off stage I thought I would handle him like a glass figurine. Then he shook my hand and asked me my last name. Don't you out-adult me, punk. I burped and blew it in his face.

Mike Drucker went up and had the crowd in his hands.

Disappointingly, he has not said anything about being selected by Disney to join Patton Oswalt as a funny stand-up for a recent contest. No Patton Oswalt stories on stage. Apparently he thinks his life is more interesting.

I went up and destroyed as usual. Standing O, underwear on stage, too long of a story to tell here.

Then Sean Patton had his turn and tore the roof off.

I mean he was on POINT. During my set, I figured this is not the kind of crowd that gives applause breaks, but he disproved that theory. Really phenomenal.

Gabe Pacheco the Man of the Hour did an excellent job.

It was my first time seeing him perform, so my eyes had to adjust to watching what I thought was a Jewish comic to watching a Mexican comic. He disproved my Mencia-instilled stereotypes which I did not appreciate.

A resident instructor of Sal Anthony's Movement Salon and talented comedian Jason was a ball of energy and confidence in his manhood.

I finally got to meet Leighann Lord

who cracked me up about a woman's quest toward size zero.

And it wasn't even my birthday, but Mike Dobbins went up and closed the show.

The crowd enjoyed it, and I contend he was so hilarious one woman was struck dumb. Her mouth hung open and she just stared. She had a red scarf draped across her chest and perfect posture so I presume she is an acting coach and was monitoring his timbre, projection and physicality. I was enjoying his impression of an elephant seal in the mob.

This show is only once a month, so it's a must-see.

JOY Variety Show
Sal Anthony's Movement Salon Theater
190 Third Ave., New York, NY 10003
at 17th St
Now on Myspace!

Say It Loud!

The Black Comedy Project was recently launched by the hilarious New York City-based comedians

Elon James White

and Baron Vaughn,

and I am a proud member of its network! One of the goals of The Project is to showcase the various voices of the black comedy community. Cuz people always want us to grow moustaches and talk about our cocaine addictions and star in movies with Gene Wilder. We are DIFFERENT, I say! They have already received notice on such comedy blogs as The Apiary
and Shecky Magazine.

Here is an excerpt from my first contribution to the site, "Join da Club":

As educated people, we are not fool enough to openly condone stereotypes, but since we are comfortable with the familiar, we let them slide. We even tend to embrace them subconsciously. If there is a Chinese couple in a sitcom, we want all their jokes to be about it. Until we get tired of hearing them. Then we want the show to be canceled for a lack of creativity. We laugh innocently at suggestively racist jokes and frown at the blatant ones, because we are not small-minded, but it is SO true that other races do all the stuff he just said!

Read the entire post here.

I am going to leave for the weekend to visit family and train the CIA in our Nation’s Capital, so don’t be blowin’ up my pager trying to ask me to hang out with you. I am BUSY. When I come back, I will tell you all about the best show on Earth, The JOY Variety Show by Gabe Pacheco. It is sincerely the most fun you can have on Third ave.