The Original Nappy-headed Hos

There's Always Room for Gimmick

From the minds of masochists, here comes a fun product. Giving new meaning to "instant" we now have JELL-O lip gloss by Lipsmacker. As the website states: “Clear and refreshing, it looks and tastes just like JELL-O!” I endorse this product, because I use this product. I use this product because the little kid in me loves this kind of crap. If only the adult in me would stop letting the little kid spend my money.

Maybe, Dr. Lipsmacker of Bonne Bell Industries, we shouldn't be bragging about how it tastes if it's not actually an edible product. That might confuse dieters. As for looks, although it is translucent, it stubbornly holds a non-jiggly, solid shape. Especially when you twist it out of its container. Might want to change that slogan to, "Real glue-stick quality!" but, you know, make it catchier and more appetizing.

It definitely smells like you have a spoonful of JELL-O right under your nose, but that gets weird after a while. No one smells the dessert they're eating longer than 2.5 seconds in a sitting. Maybe I should be worried that it's this simple to duplicate a product that tricks my senses. All of our food could easily be made of wax, and we wouldn't know it until our skin started sweating paraffin.

And how about the moisturization factor? If you're fool enough to buy something just because it has JELL-O on the package, you're not interested in things like quality. If you want vitamins and aloe, next time make sure the tube is brown with a light green array of leaves and insects encircling it. Bottom line: it feels like you smeared honey on your lips.

So clearly it was a mistake to buy this and I should probably just throw it awa--HEY! Did you know they also make one that tastes like MnMs??!?

We the You People

The radio jock so shocking I’ve never heard of him, Don Imus, is in hot water because he referred to members of the Rutgers women’s basketball team as “nappy-headed hos”. He tried to plead his case on Al Sharpton’s radio show and dug the hole deeper when he said, “I can’t get anywhere with you people”. NO! Not You People! Even Michael Richards knows not to say You People.

I have never said You People in my life. Partly because it’s redundant, but also because I know it’s one of the dumbest ways to refer to a group you’re mad at. HO HUM Mr. Imus. Is that the best you can do?

Now if he had said You Blacks, well that would change things. I only like to be marginalized with other blacks during My History Month or Chocolate Night at my local Comedy Club. You Blow-hards would have been more accurate and funny, because political pundits need to be put in their place. You Maggots—that would have been dastardly macabre. You Wascally Wabbits—diluted but heartfelt. In short, You People is tired, racists. Get creative.

Let’s back it up to the first insult. Even white women can have nappy hair after a long, sweaty game. The real problem with the Rutgers comment is that he calls them hos. Did that ever come up on MISTER Sharpton’s show? Doubt it. All you Rutgers women’s b-ball fans, we need to unite and take a stand! Let’s quit putting women down, guys! What do you say? Guys?… Hey…where are all the guys?

Thank Bob You're Here

I am referring to the studio audience that was directly plucked from an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos and asked to watch a new improv show called, “Thank God You’re Here…”. In three parts I’ll tell you why this show won’t make it to warmer weather.

RULES OF ENSLAVEMENT
First of all, you should never televise improv. If you do, you should never expect it to fit within the parameters of real television. Network executives must resist the urge to edit. No canned laughter, no huge chunks missing (someone’s hat is in his hands then back on his head again in half a second), and no quick cuts away from someone clearly stumped to say something funny. And that brings up another point. No trying to say something funny!

VIDEO KILLED THE BACKGROUND STAR
Television viewers at home watch what the camera angle tells them to watch. They can only laugh at what is given to them. Improv crowds get to look at the multitude of things going on. If one audience member is looking at a lady playing a rebellious teen, his friend nudges him to look at her father who is yawning, and both viewers laugh at the realization.

NOUN IS THE ONLY THING THAT VERBS AROUND HERE
I am a student of the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theater, and so I was not taught any of the games that you see on Whose Line Is It Anyway? I would love to see Whose Line…? try a Harold because I’m sure all the players know how to do one. But they won’t because the show gives people an improv they can stomach; it’s served in small doses. A longer version of improvisational comedy involves scenes in which the games are not defined but discovered. The problem with TGYH was that it had neither. It had improv players carrying the scene as if they were scripted and gesturing to the “surprised” celebrity guests when it was their turn to talk.
Planted player: “Everyone say their name now. I am Sir Galahad of The Prosperous Rounds, and you…?”
Mo’nique: I…am the QUEEN OF SHEBA! (Laugh track from ALF fades in, cut to Dave Foley smiling…/wincing?)
It was like watching Mad Libs without the Wacky.

This new show could take a cue from SNL and get more clever sponsorhip.

“Tonight’s episode is brought to you buy Budweiser Select. Thank God there’s Beer.”

Map Quest

You say you finally caught National Treasure, and you just can’t get enough of that edge-of-your-seat Temple of Doom action and head-scratching Last Crusade cryptology? Well hang on to your wig Nicolas Cage, because here is a map to my website that will unlock the key to my previous blog posts!

Labels. What are they for? Organization. Here’s what each one means.

2007 Portrait Contest – Updates on the status of the competition. Good things take time.
Celebrities – Whenever I mention someone famous. Like Roger E. Mosley.
Celebrity Sightings – Whenever I’ve actually interacted with someone famous.
Competitions – Real shows in which I’ve (eating marshmallows) “been a contendah”.
Confessions – I finally come clean about something. Matt McCarthy should be proud.
Cubicle Secrets – Issues in my office coming to you live from cubicle 975.
Curl Biz – Anything about being biracial or black or having curly hair.
Flop Sweat – Any time I've failed on stage. But lived. And learned. And loved.
Gigs – Pertains to a recent performance. In case you missed it. But why would you?
Grrl Power – Resurrecting the Spice Girls slogan for stories of empowerment. Zigazigah.
Holidays – I celebrate them by writing about them.
Ideas – I am brilliant. Read these.
Living Room Slideshows – Photo fun after it’s been showcased live at my show.
Love – Ah l’amour. C’est pour les chanceux…et les maudits.
Memory Lane – I’m taking you back. Way back. To the nineties. Squeezit!
Miseducation – I’m wrong a lot. And other people are too.
My Beef – This is what sticks in my craw.
News – I pretend to read the news by glancing at it then writing from vague memory.
Parody – Imitation is the best form of comedy.
Press – Someone decided to write me up in a paper or a blog! Drinks on me!
Racism – It’s out there. Let’s talk about it. We’ll start with how you’re racist.
Slepton.com – A website my friends intend to use to change the world!
Sports – When you can’t play ‘em, talk about ‘em. Right Marino?
Television – I watched it so you don’t have to.
Zoltar – I can see into the future. Just like that machine on Big.

Now navigate away, Mom!

These Salad Days are Yours and Mine

My niece turned 30 this past weekend. She looked great! She was dancing and twirling in her beautiful blue-gray, spaghetti-strapped, BCBG dress. People around her were laughing and dining on catered crab cakes, baked ravioli, and stuffed mushrooms all while sipping pomegranate martinis. A beautiful, white, sheet cake sat nearby on a table but served as a decoy for the REAL cake that had yet to make an entrance—a fluffy, light-as-a-cloud, cream-filled confection adorned with a colorful array of plump, glazed, fresh fruit that quivered with anticipation!

Prediction: on my thirtieth birthday I will be eating a fried fish sandwich in the parking lot of a Kittle’s next to the motel where I’m staying courtesy of Goofaw’s Chuckle Room.

Check The Stats

Thanks to Statcounter.com, I can check all sorts of cool things about this blog. One of my favorite things to look at is Keyword Activity. This is what people put in a search engine (usually Google) before they come up with my website. Let's review the recent searches, shall we?

1. aileen quinn photos recent

She wins the J.D. Salinger recluse award, because I get this a lot. Where are you, Ms. Quinn? We promise we only want to make you sing songs from the hit movie you were in twenty-five years ago. She's probably opened up a gourmet hot dog shop in Brooklyn and spends her days counting the register. As long as she stays hidden people still end up here, and that's okay by me.

2. cupcakes

Have I ever written about these in my life? Maybe in one post. Hard to believe nobody else has covered this topic. Like maybe Sugar Sweet Sunshine Bakery, Buttercup Bake Shop or Andy Samberg fans in their blogs.

3. can you get bad posture because of holding your pencil the wrong way?

I don't have an archive for myths propogated by 1st grade teachers, so I'll answer this directly: No, but you can get the seat wet. Badum-bum. FOCUS!

4. 12:34 wish superstition

"Superstition"? Try "instruction manual" my friend.

5. abbi crutchfield

YESSSSS!

6. placenta recipe

I'm so sorry I ever brought this up. Uh oh, wave of nausea coming. Think of something plain. Something pure. MTV. My Super Sweet Sixteen. Birthdays? Birth! Blaaah!

7. chris serico

Nice, funny and talented guy in an outstanding a capella group called Unsung Heroes. Go see them perform! Stop Googling yourself, Chris.

8. comedy monologues for kids 11 and older

This is my favorite. Because this is exactly the genre I want to belong to. Hey dorks! Glad you came back or whatever. Before we talk about how tardo our moms are, I have to say that the reason Katie left school is because she got pregnant from three different guys and had like seven abortions. Pass it on. Isn't Andy Samberg hot??? I had a dream I kissed him. J/K!!! OMG. I'm so fat. I had four french fries. The big ones, guys!!! Tomorrow is Diet Coke day. And if anyone asks if me and Katie are still friends they are gay. PS: U r gay. LOLOLOLOL.

This Just In: Dogs Are Not People

Alternative title: You're the Man Now, Dawg!


Photo by Ted S. Warren, Associated Press

In a recent article, the concept of doggie yoga was explored. Here is an unpublished excerpt:

We asked participants what they loved best about the class, and the response was unanimous: dogs are finally being respected for the people they are. "Some day we'll stop classifying our dogs as belonging to a different species, genus, and family, and eradicate the order carnivora (because Baron Von Pugglesworth is vegetarian), and we'll start recognizing that we are all united...mainly by our common love for long bike rides and day time talk shows".

It blows my mind that this place exists. More specifically, it blows my mind that bills are paid to light the room in which people spend quality time with their pets. Wait, I'm having a breakthrough: you can spend quality time outside...in a place called a park. And there's light there too...from the sun...and it's free!

First of all, stop it. I saw a guy on the street pull his lab out of my way by calling her Melissa. Don't do that. Don't give your dog a human name. Pet names are puns so you can remember who's boss. Melissa is only okay if you have another dog named Etheridge. You follow? "Edward, are you going to help me with my taxes, or are you going to chase your tail all day? Louis! Talk some sense into your brother!"

So for doggy yoga, people actually sit down to achieve enlightenment with an animal that has a brain the size of a tennis ball. What's worse, people teach their dogs how to be still by repositioning them over and over. I imagine this class is for trained or grotesquely overweight dogs, because trying to get one still without using treats is the opposite of relaxation.

But practicality aside, what is this saying about our state of mind? We are so lonely and simultaenously lazy as a culture we will now force relationships with others using our dogs as props. I hope all you plan on meeting is other infertile couples.

Score one for terrorism. Not only do Americans have a lot of money, but they have SO much money, they don't know what to do with it! If you need help spending it, give it to me.

My cat needs braces.

Don't Tip Chad Thursday

I think that if you eat in a restaurant this Thursday, and your waiter's name is Chad, you should give him a life lesson that's a long time coming. He's a waiter because he is a struggling actor. Maybe people named Chad should aspire to something a little more meaningful. Dream bigger! If we all refrain from tipping on Thursday, he'll get angry. Maybe his feelings will be hurt. Maybe he doesn't need this stinkin' O'Charley's after all! Perhaps he SHOULD consider going to school with the rest of his nineteen year old peers. He was always good at math. A career in accounting could be both lucrative and provide stability. Maybe a graduate degree in economics where he'll meet Sarah, who he'll come to learn had her own horror stories from Hooters. But she always had a dream. Instead of saving up for implants, she was going to save up for college. And here she is. They scoff jointly at the countless pick-up lines they endured and vow to leave it all behind by building an empire, giving the proceeds to charity and putting their daughter Jolie Luther King through a private education.

Don't tip Sarahs on Friday! Who's with me?

Men In Comedy: Stand Up and Be Heard!

I love hearing about how men are doing in the comedy business. But I wish they weren't so marginalized. I mean, it's so rare to see a show actually featuring a dude without it being clogged up by the masses of women, children and monkies who are just handed stage time. I hate how whenever I want to hear about a specific male comic it's always in some MEN-comedy related article. HELLO! Men are people, just like women. What's with the classification? It's always just understood that when you say "comedy" you mean women, but for guys you have to clarify.

But let's be honest gentlemen, inherently you aren't that funny. Your natural inclination is to speak about topics noone cares to hear. Boys, if you want to get noticed a little more, why don't you try being VULGAR for once? Simulate getting it on or something. Use the microphone as a prop even! Surely, you can think of a body part that it symbolizes? I can. But that's because I'm a woman. No one has more insight into this situation than fellow comedian (and I do mean fellow) Carolyn Castiglia in her post.