Monday, August 31, 2009

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Dollar Store Dares

Would you rather use garlic conditioner


or...



Whale Sperm Treatment?

On the one hand the conditioner repels vampires. On the other hand, it yields the same effect if you were brushing with a breadstick. If the whale goop is a treatment what on Earth is the problem? Inability to make whale babies? Free Willy and Kate Plus 8.

Sometimes You Gotta Go Mick Diflo



This is me with comedian Mick Diflo. He is the world's worst suicide hotline operator.

Mick and I will perform on Pudge Fernandez's show "The Best Damn Comedy Show in Queens" at Play Lounge on Tues Sept 1 at 10:00PM. It's like a Chuck E. Cheez for adults, and drinks are 2 for 1! See you there!

Play Lounge
77-17 Queens Blvd
Elmhurst, NY 11373
R train to Grand Ave

Let it Sink In



AWWW yeaaaah. That's the good stuff.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Corn Cob of the Day


This picture comes to us from Marcus of Connersville, IN.

Tap and Run


At the risk of sounding like I have Munchausen Syndrome, I say to you this has been one crazy month. On the heels of closing the case on the Froot Loop Bandit, I get hit by a car! Okay, I was bumped by a car after jay-walking.

It wasn't like Brad Pitt playing the human pinball in Meet Joe Black, but it was just as quick. A car turned into the street I was crossing, and then I was unable to stop its momentum with my hands (I'm starting to think Twilight was just a movie full of special effects). I spun like a top and then down to the ground. I watched the car speed away. Okay, it crept away like it was in a parade. Almost slow enough for me to see the license plate, but I was too busy getting up for fear of being creamed by any following vehicles. They say adrenaline shields you from pain. It's true. Yesterday I sprung up like a Pop-tart and scurried half a block and into my building. Today I'm hobbling around like I'm delivering a brain to a mad scientist.

To make matters worse my knee-high stockings keep slinking down, so I am officially an old Italian woman.

If you're going to say anything, please tease me mercilessly. I have used up all the sympathy and well-wishing comments allotted one blogger this year.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

That is One Nutty Hospital

Did you ever think that Tootsie


Might be based on an actual person?


Awwwww SNAP Son! You thought you were just going to mind your business in the Midwest and no one would ever bring it up.

Corn Cob of the Day



This picture comes to us from Barbara of Langlade, Wisconsin.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Cracklin' the Case



A week after the break-in of my apartment I am still unhappy with the investigation. The cops arrived promptly and answered my questions, but after I signed the report there was little follow-up. The fingerprint team hardly dusted for anything, saying CSI is just a show that exaggerates the process. I should have guessed that since none of the officers spoke in witty puns or wore sunglasses indoors.

I resolved to do my own detective work. Initially I was hoping that the crooks would leave something behind, like a skull ring. I would wear it, and then when someone on the street reacted subtlely to it, I would say, "That's the guy!" and two cops would appear out of nowhere and chase him, catching him in an alley where a gate would be too high to climb. Well I didn't uncover a ring, but I did find evidence!

A small, dry, blue, lightweight circle. At first glance it looked like a shriveled Froot Loop.


...but the texture was more like Cracklin' Oat Bran



...only more triangular in shape. Someone suggested it may be kitty litter, but the Google image search of "kitty litter" is making me dry-heave at my desk, so those results are inconclusive. Maybe the crooks work part-time at a pet store!

I have placed the foreign object in a baggie, and whenever I get my microscope, testubes and push-up bra, I'll be ready to examine it more closely, night time drama-style. If anyone has any hot tips, please leave them in the comments section.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Gaia and Synergy




Same person.

A tween asked me yesterday why children always put their sunglasses on upside down. I told her, "One, because Anne Geddes tells them to. Two, because they don't know any better." I used to confuse bagels and donuts because as a child I was not perceptive enough to tell the difference. Case in point, two cartoons I used to watch as a kid, Captain Planet and Jem, both had what I thought was the same character on it. They both had flowing purple hair, weird headbands, and they were both the voice of wisdom whenever the principal characters needed help.

As an adult I found out that the voice on Captain Planet belonged to Whoopi Goldberg, while Synergy was voiced by Marlene Aragon (an actor who also played characters on Transformers, and whose picture is impossible to find). It didn't help my memory to learn that Whoopi Goldberg, in addition to voicing a character named Gaia, later played a character named Guinan on Star Trek.

This is a little like the time I confused Veruka Salt and Fairuza Balk.

But it's not nearly as awkward as the time I confused two people at work.

And now for something truly, truly, truly outrageous.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

They Can't Take That Away From Me


Good news! Due to the break-in last week, Luke and I have had an excuse to clean up our apartment. I am uncovering all kinds of gems like old ID badges from when I was a temp, and an airbed repair kit that reminds me of this toxic bubble toy I used to play with.

It turns out the burglars didn't steal our sunglasses; they threw them into an old box after they decided they weren't worth anything. My friends were nice enough to lend me this awesome Flip camera to tape comedy sets while we wait to get a new camera.

Ah yes, getting the new stuff. It is a known fact that criminals like to rob a place again after about a month, because that is how long it takes to recuperate valuables. My buddy Frank said his camera was stolen, he bought a new one, and then it was stolen again the exact same way as before. How do you get around it? You downgrade.

Instead of a desktop we will equip our corner table with a Lite Brite.

Instead of a laptop we will use an Etch-a-Sketch.

And instead of a jar of change to hold our pennies, we will now keep a gun.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Burgle-Proof Your Home

My place was burglarized this week. Whenever I worried about it happening, I imagined coming home to a stark, empty room, an open window, and a little outline on the wall of where a sofa used to be. In reality, the crime was not as obvious. In fact, I was home a full 25 minutes and had cleaned my kitchen and bathroom before I noticed. And I live in a studio!

On my way to tidying up the space I like to call the livingbedroom, I noticed a tennis shoe on the bed. I've seen Luke get ready in a hurry, but never toss footwear like the Swedish chef on the Muppets. Then I looked beyond the bed at the back wall. I just stared in disbelief. The desktop computer that usually sits perched on the corner desk like Mufasa on a cliff was gone.





This is what crime looks like. Missing electronics, open drawers, your clothes tossed to the floor. Okay maybe my skirt was already on the floor.

Hot Tips!

1. The police are very particular about what can be dusted for fingerprints. I recommend wall papering your house with book covers. The shiny kind you slowly remove from the jacket because you don't...want...to smudge--oops, too late. Also, cover your jewelry in peanutbutter.

2. Crooks like to use bags they find in your house to take their loot. Get rid of all backpacks, laundry bags, and totes. And vinyl airbed sacks. And pillow cases. And large socks.

3. The police advise you to set up a small video camera. This is less for identifying the criminal and more for being able to capture a mishap and make up the money on America's Funniest Home Videos. Also, place banana peels around your house.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Live at Gotham



Here we are with comedian Bobby Lee of Mad TV fame. He is the host of an upcoming episode of Comedy Central's Live at Gotham. Neither Luke nor I have taped one, but we were there to support Nick Cobb on one night, and Reese Waters and Wil Sylvince on another.

Bobby was funny on and off the stage, always making faces and striking poses. I saw a girl walk up to him and ask him to do a line from a sketch on Mad TV, and he did it. I'm guessing the pink cover on his phone is one more reason to stand out as a quirky, silly guy. Or maybe he loves pink. Maybe he was on the phone with Pink.

Nick Cobb




Reese Waters


Wil Sylvince

Monday, August 10, 2009

The Jerry Bringer Show


I recently received a forward that a comedy club was looking to give underground comics exposure at a showcase show. I asked my talented buddy Calvin Cato who was kind enough to send it to me, whether he knew if it was a bringer show (a show where comedians are required to supply the audience).

CALVIN:
Haha! Oh right I think it is a bringer; in fact, I'm more than pretty sure it is a bringer. I think I ended up sending it to people who don't need to do them anymore, so that's my bad.

ABBI:
Thanks Calvin. And for the record, NO ONE needs to do a bringer to get better. It's a matter of preference; whether you want to spend the time and energy collecting friends and fam together. But on the booking end, it's purely exploitative of the comedians. It's making other people do your marketing work for you and getting butts in seats. Clubs save money this way, and some comedians who run bringer shows make money this way, but it in no way benefits the comedian performing. They're doing promo work for free. If they happen to have a surplus of audience that wants to come out and see them, then it works out fine. But don't ever tell yourself you're at a level where you "need" to do a bringer. If all comedians refused to do bringers (as they should), they would cease to exist.

CALVIN:
No problem. As for my previous comment, the thing is that I rarely forward annoucements like these because sometimes people get very snooty about the idea of doing a bringer and fire back with a snappy e-mail saying that they're "beyond it" and don't need the heads-up. Personally, I don't feel offended if info is forwarded to me and the contest sounds legitimate but I try to err on the side of caution so that's why I said that.

Thanks for the comment though, because it is true, bringers aren't a requirement and I'm certainly against the idea of forcing other people to pay (lots of) money to see a comic who's ultimately relegated to a side attraction. But there are people who feel more comfortable trying their stuff out in front of friends first before they really try to tackle the scene and I can understand that thought process too. Whatevs, there are so many ways to start, like taking a class or just going to a mic. Anyway, I didn't mean to imply that bringers have to be the start of the path but that it is an option if you know exactly what you want to get out of it (e.g., a tape with the club's name in the background, confidence boost).

ABBI:
I understand the disclaimer. I am never offended when someone takes the time to think of me and forward me something! I'm not above it as much as I just don't think it's necessary. But like I said (and as you mentioned), it's what you make of it.

Speaking of motivation, for my very first open mic appearance I invited 10 friends from high school, and if I didn't have their support I may have been too discouraged to try it a second time. It was bombing the second time after feeling great the first time that made me say, "Hmm...I have to convince every future crowd to sound like the first crowd."

I had already put in a booking request, but now that I know it is a bringer, I won't be following through. I asked another comic friend of mine, Mike Lawrence,who had replied to it whether he would do it.

MIKE:
God no. I figured it was a bringer, but there's no harm in replying. Anytime the words "new talent" come out that's exactly what it means.

Bringers are no different than private parties. A bringer comic is essentially paying to rent the stage for five minutes. They are a result of lazy and desperate owners and are a new phenomenom. My mom did comedy for 12 years and had no idea what bringers were, but that's because she performed at a time when promoters still promoted.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Judge Sassy

Here's the comedy short I mentioned last week, where I play a judge who rules against (and in favor of) steak. Brought to you by Collaborative Health!



Judge Sassy says, "If you're gonna eat steak, take a six day break!"

Unless you're anemic like me, and you need all the iron you can get. Then I say eat steak for breakfast, lunch, and have a sensible dinner.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Seinfeld Drops in at Gotham


Walked into the Gotham Open Mic last Thurs (where you can find heavy-hitters such as Luke Cunningham, Ray DeVito and Michael Terry hone their craft), and they announced that Seinfeld may be dropping by to do a set at the 8:00PM show. My husband Luke and I stayed, and thanks to some shy girls ahead of us, we scored seats front row, center.

William Stephenson emceed, and Jesse Joyce performed at the top of the show, followed by a flawless performance by Tom Papa. The William announced there was a special guest that would like to do a set, and when he said Seinfeld's name, the crowd gasped and applauded. But when Seinfeld walked in, several people jumped to their feet and shouting became a loud colliseum roar. It was like the sand beast that guards the Cave of Wonders in Aladdin. "YEAAAAAH! SEINFELD! WHO DISTRURBS MY SLUMBERRR."


"I've been doing a lot of thinking about coffee," he says as a waitress places a mug in front of Luke. "Is that coffee?"
Luke: No it's tea.
Seinfeld: tea?
Luke: I'm a tea guy.
Seinfeld: You're a tea guy?


Helen Hong did the honors of following the man, which for any comic is not a terribly desired spot. She did a fantastic job of cracking everyone up, and then headliner Nick Griffin rounded out the lineup to make for an excellent show.

Imposter



There is a girl over at Comedy Central masquerading as a "rock-tern" with my hair and face. Find her and kill her.

Above With Wyatt Cenac. Here with cardboard cut-outs of Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter.



And here with ACTUAL Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert!


I owe this find to my private investigator, Soce The Elemental Wizard, and the sleuthing he does all over ccinsider.comedycentral.com

John Leguizamo: Live


I went to Indianapolis over the weekend to visit Mom and see John Leguizamo perform at the Indiana Reperatory Theater.

Chi Chi Rodriguez in the flesh!



And this was him in action. He's a great actor, and according to his autobiography, a hot-headed prankster, so I'm glad I got to see the friendly, autograph-signing side of him.