Thursday, August 28, 2008

M.I.A. and Labor Day

I will be gone for the weekend, so there is no use checking back here to see if I will be on the cast of next season's Dancing with the Stars. In the mean time, you can watch one of my favorite non-dancing stars, M.I.A. of "Pineapple Express Soundtrack" fame (or if you're an indie music follower, you know her from your dreams). This is a new impression unleashed at Delusions of Spandex sketch show.



Delusions of Spandex
hosted by Phaea Crede and Becca Jones
Last Saturday of the month
Parkside Lounge
317 E. Houston
New York, NY 10002
FREE
myspace.com/delusionsofspandex

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Comedy Central Presents



On Camera Audiences has posted free tickets to see live tapings of Comedy Central Presents. I've seen many before (John Heffron, Maria Bamford, Paul F. Tompkins, Dan Cummins, Loni Love, Kirk Fox, John Reep, Ben Bailey, Josh Sneed, Bonnie McFarlane and more), and I look forward to the one I'll see tonight!

"But Abbi, you're a talented comedian whose face is made for television and whose blog I rely on to get laughter in this bleak frank and beans canning factory. Why aren't you taping your own Comedy Central Presents yet?"

Hahaha. Oh, single fan, you have so much to learn about the comedy business. First you have to be "So good they can't ignore you" as Steve Martin says. Then you have to be insanely wealthy to fuel the perfect PR machine. Finally, you must be related to someone in show business. I am working on this three step plan, and soon I will have my 30 minutes in the Hudson Theater. By the way, how do you use a computer with those Laverne and Shirley gloves on?

Tonight Luke and I are going to watch Anthony Jeselnik and Doug Benson.

Friday I was slated to watch John Mulaney (old classmate, now writes for SNL) and Kristen Schaal (underground sensation, highlight of many a comedy festival), but I am flying back home to see family and work on wedding stuff.

This marriage thing better be worth it! (Sitcom audience laughter)

It won't be, will it? (Silence)

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Joe's Got the Powers

Some news about a comedy buddy who was recently injured and could use some good vibes. From The Apiary, via The Comic's Comic, and later again if you're scouring Sandpapersuit.com for a funny tidbit on behind the scenes stand-up:

Comedian Joe Powers survived a serious accident this weekend and is currently at Bellevue Hospital in stable but very serious condition in the intensive care unit. While the injuries he sustained are serious, he is doing well. if anyone wants to pay a visit many comedians will be there this Tuesday ( any other day is fine as well). His family has greatly appreciated the outpouring of support and his doctors think that continued stimulation will only speed his recovery. He is at Bellevue Hospital (27th and 1st Ave) -H building - 10th floor -Surgical ICU . Visiting hours are pretty much unlimited.

While there are no images readily available at my Googletips, I did come up with a composite of him.


Joe

Powers

You can also check out his loving blue eyes on the link to The Apiary above.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Monday, August 18, 2008

Nanny Nanny Boo Boo

My latest post on HipSlopeMama.Blogspot.com is about the unsung hero (read: trend) of the upper-middle class.

I never understand women who take their kids out for a stroll while their nannies walk along silently beside them. Is the nanny a bodyguard? Was she hired for her martial arts skills? Is there often a case where women pushing strollers are held up, and in order to escape, they need nannies to create a diversion?


Click here to read the whole post. And don't forget to leave some feedback there.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Pizza My Heart



Check me out on David Silverman's Bad Day at Work blog recounting the trials (clumsy accidents) and tribulations (sexual harrassment) of working in a pizzeria.

Few work experiences are as memorable as the time I was 15 and slung hash at Donato’s Pizza in Indianapolis, Indiana. It wasn’t really hash—it was dough, and we couldn’t really sling it, as it came in rigid, frozen discs.

Photo Credit:
lowcarbluxury.com

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Theory of Douchebaggery

Has anyone ever pegged you for a Type A or Type B personality? Did you respond by telling them you are not interested in donating blood?

According to Wikipedia identifying Type A and B personalities helps you to know if you're dealing with a real hangnail or someone that is abnormally laid back. Either way, if someone tries to guess your type, it usually follows a moment when you've annoyed them severely. Where did this terminology come from? It's a theory based on scientific evidence. Like all theories based on scientific evidence, it will become inconsequential with the Apocalypse. But until that fiery day is upon us, here is some insight into who you are.

Type Ass - These individuals can be described as "impatient, excessively time-conscious, insecure about their status, highly competitive, hostile and aggressive, and incapable of relaxation." Also categorized as "high achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about the smallest of delays", they often consider themselves "stress junkies."

Type Bro - individuals, in contrast, who are described as "patient, relaxed, and easy-going."

I like to relax, and I think of myself as easygoing, but I share more characteristics with Type Ass. Perhaps this is because its description encompasses more adjectives than the latter type. Type Bros like to have a good time more than socially acceptable. Think Matthew McConaughey.

I would like to amend the theory, immediately casting aside Type A/B which describes people who have both characteristics (also known as a cop-out) and make it more tailored to the people who don't fall in either A or B. I give you Types C, D, and E.

Type Crusty - The fabric of society pre-occupied with themselves to the point of grossing you out. They spit in your path, they smoke in line next to you, they make out with each other in tight public spaces.

Type Dentist - Individuals who enjoy working on your teeth and breathing down your nostrils. They ask you questions when you are unable to talk and leave the sucking straw machine in the corner of your mouth too long.

Type EverybodyLovesRaymond - The demographic that allows for reruns to happen. They have an ungodly amount of patience when it comes to watching sitcoms, listening to children tell stories, and clipping cartoons from Reader's Digest. They keep hard candy in a glass bowl in their living room.

So which kind of waste of space are you?

Monday, August 11, 2008

Big East Friends

Graduating from Georgetown University finally pays off for a comic.



Fun fact: Other hilarious Georgetown Alumni include

Jim Gaffigan

"Beyond the Pale" album. Created "Pale Force" short featured on Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Co-stars in My Boys on TBS. Sierra Mist commercials...

Mike Birbiglia


Author of "My Secret Public Journal", is known by all college students across the U.S making him Birbiquitous.

Jacqueline Novak


Comedy Central Live College Tour

John Mulaney


Taping a Comedy Central Presents this month.

Lance Weiss


A regular at Caroline's on Broadway.

Nick Kroll


Known for hilarious character work and starred in ABC's Cavemen

J-L Cauvin


Featured on The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Photo Credits
news.uns.purdue.edu
hotgeeks.blogspot.com
theapiary.org
maxsilvestri.com
wordoftheweiss.blogspot.com
gothamist.com
comedysoapbox.com

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Bernie Mac: Taken Way Too Soon



Bernie Mac passed away this morning due to complications from pneumonia, after years of suffering from sarcoidosis.

From Yahoo! News:

Mac worked his way to Hollywood success from an impoverished upbringing on Chicago's South Side. He began doing standup as a child, and his film career started with a small role as a club doorman in the Damon Wayans comedy "Mo' Money" in 1992. In 1996, he appeared in the Spike Lee drama "Get on the Bus."He was one of "The Original Kings of Comedy" in the 2000 documentary of that title that brought a new generation of black standup comedy stars to a wider audience.

This is a sad way to start the weekend. I know a lot of comedians who are influenced by Bernie Mac. If you want to remember how hilarious he was, re-watch Ocean's Eleven, TiVo the Bernie Mac Show, or better yet, watch one of the best Def Comedy Jam performances I've ever seen.

Friday, August 8, 2008

New Fall Season

It's Friday night, and the mood is right! Gonna have some fun, show you how it's done, TGIF!

We hope to have a



This Friday at The Living Room!

At 8:00PM, forget your



And enjoy a Nutella smoothie at Postmark Cafe.

Even if you're



You're bound to bond over the quality jokes, original characters, celebrity parodies and hilarious current events that you have come to expect from our show.

The coffee shop is intimate, so even if it's



We're gonna have a night to remember.

We've been building a great lineup



and working on a lot of fun, fresh, new features with the same innovation that brought you Ecto-coolers.



Leo Allen (two Comedy Central Presents, wrote for Saturday Night Live)



Josh Homer (Comedy Central's Live at Gotham)



Amy Crossfield (Comedy Central's Open Mic Fight)



Mike Dobbins (winner of coveted Andy Kaufman award)



and Special Guest Host Matt Little (his writing featured on The Late Show with David Letterman )

See? So get out of the house and over to Postmark Cafe. Beat your wife if you have to. I'm talking to you, Code-man.




Perfect Strangers is a Miller-Boyette Production.

The Living Room at Postmark Cafe
326 6th Street (btwn 4th & 5th aves)
Park Slope, BK 11215
2nd & 4th Fridays, 8:00PM, FREE
livingroomcomedy.blogspot.com

Thursday, August 7, 2008

The Method to My Madness

Some of my loyal readers are not comedians and do not understand the process of comedy writing. First of all, it’s different for everyone. Richard Lewis would write endlessly and take legal pad pages taped together with him on stage and lay them out over a piano like a table cloth. Others like Sinbad and Elayne Boosler are said to have written on stage—that is to say, never taking pen to paper but remembering bits and evolving them while in front of a crowd.

I don’t prescribe to either method. I work like Ghostwriter, of PBS fame, constantly rearranging refrigerator magnets until I spell a word. A nearby child tries to guess the concept I am hinting at, and before he or she can solve a mystery, I have landed my first joke. This way, I let other people do my thinking for me. Similarly, I collect old wrappers like Templeton, of horrific storybook fame, and I drop them in front of people. It takes about ten times before someone stops complaining about litter and starts trying to figure out the story unfolding at their feet. This produces quality material and helps me stay, for lack of a better word, humble.

Arguably this procedure slows my progress of effectively making people laugh 100% of the time. That’s the price you have to pay to be good. Nobody ever said this job would be easy, and I don’t believe in taking short cuts. Originality is key in this business, and this is the primary way I will stand out among today’s traditional comedians. Plenty of product references, toilet humor, and little substance. Hey it worked for (comedian du jour that people wish to criticize).

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Guess the Open Mic

Clues:

No microphone

A comic gets bored before the show and decides to tear down a map that covers an entire wall "just to hide it and SHOW THEM."

The room smells like corn chips

The only audience is comedians

The cost of performing goes up from two single Subway rides to a Subway footlong sandwich.

Plywood makes up the wobbly, makeshift stage

There are two stories about threesomes gone wrong

Someone explains that blacks were selected as slaves because of their good looks and Mexicans were not because of their laziness, and Russians are today's slave of choice (by mail) for pedofiles

A nervous comic mistakes an applause break for his cue to get off stage

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Indigestion of The Future

Jim Gaffigan warned us all of the takeover, and as I look around, more and more meals are being consumed in pockets.

If you want a hot meal without a big deal, what are you gonna pick? (Snap)



Hot Pocket!

If you want a grilled cheese without the crust please, what are you gonna pick? (Sizzle)



Triangle Pocket!

If you're teaching elementary and the graham cracker box is empty, what are you gonna pick? (Ruler breaks)



Kid Pocket!

If you're pretentious about your health but okay with processed kelp, what are you gonna pick? (Fart)


Green Pocket!

When a fat, Midwestern bunch shows up for lunch, what are you gonna pick? (Moo)



Grease Pocket!

When an apple gets marinated in toxic chemicals, with enough corn syrup to form a glue-like consistency, and the sugar glaze keeps you from tasting the difference between the interior and the exterior, what are you gonna pick? (Screams)



Pocket Pocket!

Monday, August 4, 2008

Indecent Proposals

What would I do for a Klondike bar? Spend all day in a hot studio letting people put their dirty sneakers on a freshly made bed.

Abbi Crutchfield and Luke Thayer as The Happy Couple

Nick Cobb as The Millionaire

Mike Ennis

Nick Cobb and Luke Thayer

Starring Abbi Crutchfield, Luke Thayer and Nick Cobb.
Directed by Mike Ennis and Jake Serlen
Edited by Mike Ennis

Click here to view the video and rate it 5 Klondike Bars!

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Untouchable

China may not allow spitting or pajamas in public but our country has some unusual restrictions of its own. I am talking about the two subjects in America that are off limits, the teasing of which is punishable by death.



Heath Ledger as The Joker in The Dark Knight



Barack Obama as The Candidate in The Race for American President.

Excuse me? When did liberal idealism become a totalitarian regime? The same people who refuse to Ledger-Obama bash are threatening to eradicate what's so great about living here. Freedom.

The freedom to vote, the freedom to worship and the freedom to cast a code of ethics aside and verbally slay anyone we want. Shows like Access Hollywood, publications like People magazine and unregulated websites like Youtube dutifully remind us of our right to pick on people for what they wear, eat, and do behind closed doors. Not to mention criticize them for aging, changing their bodies, dating the wrong person, being too rich, being broke...

There's the argument that both men are so good at what they do that it's hard to find a flaw. Sure Heath Ledger's performance moved a theater full of people to tears, mourning his loss once the film ended. Sure Barack Obama embodies racial harmony purely by existing and whose speeches of togetherness inspired one of my comedian friends to muse that he is a modern-day Jesus. But they are people. Remember people? The ones who make bad decisions that get photographed in gossip magazines. The ones who have drug and alcohol addictions that get lampooned on late night talk show monologues.

It sends the wrong message. It says, "Hey, sometimes the public isn't always thirsty for blood," You're wrong. We are. We hurt others because we can, and that's the policy. If we keep this up, people will start to believe that Amy Winehouse actually has family and friends who care about her.

I don't want to live in a world where I can't make fun of the recently deceased and successful, hard-working blacks. And I don't think you do either.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

All That Shimmers is Old



I have a Google group of friends who want to save money so we give away items. I got a free bike out of it. Also egg noodles and some perfume. But what kind of items do I give away? Here's my most recent offer:


7 oz of shimmer powder in "twinkle twinkle"

Comes with "Magic Wand" for hair and face shimmer. Are you listening pixies?!

"For skin that seems to glow from within, dip a powder brush in or puff in Shimmer Powder, shake off excess and sweep lightly over entire face."

Made in Italy. Fatto in Italia!


It's ten years old and never touched. I never found a good reason, after prom, to add sparkles to my hair, face, collar bone, shoulders and arms. People who might be interested in this item:

Exotic dancers
Richard Simmons
Art Teachers
Scrapbookers
P Diddy (for his toilet paper)