Thursday, March 27, 2008

MTV Showcase at Stand Up NY

Come-out and see New York City's HOTTEST A-Listers*, as they burn bright and kill (comedically speaking) for an opportunity to appear** on MTV. You never know WHO*** may be watching from the crowd...

***Pauly Shore?!

8:30PM, $15
Stand Up NY
236 W 78th St (@ Broadway)
New York,NY 10024

With Bonnie McFarlane and Rich Vos!

Hello Friend


Back in February I took a trip up to New Brunswick, NJ to watch a marathon of elderly people. Who knew that at the finish line there would be a comedy show?

After a long time of dreaming about it, I finally got to see a performance by the man, the myth, the metamucil-drinker...Bill Cosby!

At Penn Station, we all piled into what I figured was Willy Wonka's elevator. Turns out it's a narrow passage way to an escalator. There was an overweight kid teetering at the top step, and an angry businessman behind him who kept shouting, "Go! GO!" His wife was claustrophobic. And she hates fat people.


From the train, we asked my sister if she knew how many stops there were to New Brunswick. She said she it takes forty-five minutes. So we asked the ticket-taker as he stopped by.
"Excuse me, how many stops between here and New Brunswick?"
"Uh, I don't know. See, it's a forty-five minute trip so..." He clicked our tickets and walked away.
My sister turned around in her seat to face us. "Why didn't you believe me? Why did you have to ask HIM?"

A few minutes later the conductor returned, this time with a schedule. He unfolded it in front of us, and pointed to some tiny numbers under New Brunswick. "Forty-five minutes, SEE?" and he walked away.


The opposite of a perfect complement to dry pretzels is an empty water bottle, and that's just what we had. I brought my guest book with me because my weekend visitors from DC forgot to sign it. I need concrete proof that I have friends.


I loudly exclaimed to my friend Ryan that he misspelled my name, and a woman in front of me chimed in, "Everyone's a critic!" A woman I have never met and have not talked to thus far on the trip. A woman who, together with her friend, braided the hair of their daughters' American Girls dolls after being commanded to by a child. A child who, I might add, unabashedly picked her nose and ate it.


The State Theater uses Oprah magic to advertise its website on the walls before a show. It is right around the corner from Rutgers University and sits on a cute street with plenty of shops. Shops filled with bottles of water for your Pretzel Dry-mouth. But I came to see a show, not quench my thirst, and my quest continued. Salty and dusty.

Luke's view

This was Luke's view from his seat. We were two rows in front of the stage, and a big guy plopped down with his fidgety son. I got the fidgety son who, lucky for me, prefered to stay slumped in his chair while making his McDonalds toy dance in his lap. There was jazz music playing, and the kid tooted an action figure like it was a trumpet, just to make his dad laugh. I took low shots so as not to disturb the body guard by the stage. He was slipped some money from an old man in the front row, which made him smirk a little and nod instead of staring ahead stone-faced. I was still scared of him.


The stage had a chair with a towel on it that said, "Hello Friend". There were two screens showing separate close-ups of the chair; one for the vision-impaired and one at lip-level presumably for the hard of hearing. This show was old-folk proof. Cosby walked out, still talking to the stagehands. He treated the applause as an interruption to his conversation, and nodded a little and waved. He sat down next to the table with a bottle of water, and got comfortable. Then he tried to talk, but the mic was busted.


When the sound came back he said, "There we go." More applause. He got even more comfortable and said very loudly: "THANKSGIVING." The delivery alone got laughter. Just for fun, I looked at the time: 5:00. He danced in and out of the subject, and built a story, kept us on the edge, and there were jokes all throughout. But he made it clear that these little jokes were not getting to the point of what he really wanted to talk about. When he finally got around to it, the Giant Punchline, which was met with great applause, I looked at the clock again: 5:33. Thirty-three minutes to tell one bit. It was very impressive. And it felt like an instant.


Monday, March 24, 2008

Candy Cigarettes

...for your inner juvenile delinquent.

Monday Evening Stand-Up at Pete's is featuring Jen Dziura, candy cigarettes, and a very special guest. She's the woman who taught me to petition Target to stock Man-tyhose, and the only lady I'll ever let badmouth Gayle King, Dr. Erick Newberry.

Dr. Newberry is a motivational speaker that opened my eyes to the indifference, injustice and instupidence of society. Come along with her on a road called Understanding as she exposes your notions of misogyny and replaces them with new ones.

Monday, March 24th
Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg

Also starring Eliza Faria-Santos, John Knefel, Ross Hyzer, Joe Pontillio, and Federico Garduno.

(A message from Jen Dziura: Candy cigarattes still exist, but now they're called "Candy Stix." And cancer is now called "Gummy Tumours!")

Friday, March 21, 2008

Fun with Search Engines

Look what happens when you Google "Indiana basketball pants"

The official gear of the 1939 league. And to think, just a decade earlier, costumes were so much more drab and straight-edged. Thank goodness for Technicolor and hurricanes.

Conversely, this picture came up when I Googled "Small people with strange haircuts from the Depression Era that strike uncomfortable poses ".

Monday, March 17, 2008

5 For Funny Tuesdays

When I'm not managing Target, I am hosting Dave Lester's hilarious comedy show. It's women's HERstory month, and I will tell MER story. Get there early, because towards the middle and the end I am smashing watermelons.

With Elke Reid from Neighborhood Watch, 5 For Funny Tuesday's in-house sketch troupe.

5 For Funny Tuesdays
March 18
@ The Five Spot, 9:00PM
459 Myrtle Ave
Brooklyn, NY

Friday, March 14, 2008

Budding Ideas

Here is a list of concepts that have not found the right vehicle:

Combine Bubble Tape plus gummy worms for a new candy: Bubble Tapeworm

A soap opera called PFB, Ph.D. Catch phrase: Paging Dr. Brains. Dr. Poop for Brains." Only problem, Ph.Ds don't get paged in hospitals. Dookie Howser, MD?

Hold a rubber duck and point it at people while shouting, "Duck you! Duck you! and DUCK YOU!" I can't think of a context for this. Maybe I'll give it to Mike Dobbins.

During a cold, referring to drip as "nose tears".

Kleenex and Proctor & Gamble thinktank creates: Sniffer Swiffer.

Song parody: I'm Glossay, about a girl who wears too much lip gloss. Problem: nobody remembers the song Bossy by Kelis.

Baby Einstein selected as name for toys and products after test audiences rejected first brand, Baby Dead Guy

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Ted Danson With The Stars

The reality show we're all waiting for.