Friday, September 28, 2007


Check me out on The Apiary. I may or may not have eaten a lemon onstage. Know what else? The Living Room has another great lineup for tonight! Does life get better?

I tried to pass the word around in the office, but as usual, it was met with, "I have night school," and, "I live in Jersey". Hey I get it. You don’t have to invent classes or lie about your home address. Look, I have a friend who plays professionally in an orchestra, and she invites me to all her performances. In two years, I still haven’t made it to one of them.


There has to be a better way of saying, “I think what you do is great, but it will NEVER be convenient enough for me to attend. Never ever.” than “I’ll try to make it one of these days.”

Maybe that way is, “Please unsubscribe me from your list, douche-couche”. But until you figure out how to do that I expect to see a hand-made diploma on my desk by Monday.

Tonight I’ll be two fabulous characters: one is a celebrity and the other is an inspiration to us all.

The handsome men who will join me at The Living Room (Postmark Cafe):
-Brendan Fitzgibbons (The Onion)

-Dan Fontaine (Saints and Sinners Tour)

-Rob Durham (Midwestern Bias sports blog, touring colleges across U.S.)

-Pat O’Shea (B-Cat TV’s Bush v. Brooklyn, Complete Idiots Guide to Joke Writing)

-Luke Thayer (Love of my life)

Postmark Café
326 6th Street (bet 4th & 5th aves)
Park Slope, BK 11215
8:00PM, FREE

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

They Throw Up So Fast

I recently made the discovery, thanks to Reel Faces, that the adorable little girl from Remember The Titans
is also the cheerleader on Heroes we're trying to save in order to save the world.

Save your brain and quit acting before Promises bleeds you dry.

I like when they disappear in their teens and early twenties to get an education, Jodie Foster-style. But you have to ask yourself: Would I rather sell Noxema, or be Nell?

Tay and May...Miss Chickapay!

I'm On The (Online) Radio...TODAY!

Listen to me TODAY at noon on Jeremy Schachter's show The Schachter Factor.
Click here to listen on Cringe Humor Radio!
We discuss the trials and tribulations (but mostly the trials) of O.J. Simpson, Phil Spector, Dog Fighting and Bootleg DVDs.

Also featuring the amazing talents of:

Moody McCarthy

Luke Thayer as "Maurice Fry...Landlord of all of Brooklyn"

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Vote for Me, Abbi C!

This slogan almost worked in middle school when I ran for Vice President. I tied with Crystal, who had no slogan at all. What did we learn? She won by popularity, and I won by SMARTS! Okay, my slogan was neither clever nor funny. It barely rhymed. It's like when R. Kelly rhymes "booty" with "boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-TEE".

Click here to vote for me as Impact's best Emerging Leader. Remember when I was the Emerging Leader for May? Now it's a showcase showdown with all candidates from other months. Most are imposters just looking to boost their self-esteem. They emerge and then lead. I have already emerged, and I can lead you to laughs, which is much better than books or fundraisers or whatever those other people promote.

You can only vote once. Make it count!

Two Times The Fun

Ah, when identical movies come out around the same time...

But you don't have to take MY word for it...

Doo doot DOOT!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

You Don't Have to Blag About It

I'm tellin' you no blarney--you'll be finding the likes of me at Blaggard's Pub, you will!

The Laugh Force @ Blaggards
45 W. 39th Street (between 5th & 6th ave)
New York , NY 10018
Cost: 2 drinks

Then catch me hanging later with my homeys.

The Original King of Pop

Thank you, Larry the Cable Guy. I know he's not everyone's cup of tea, but I just heard his eulogy for Orville Redenbacher, and I couldn't stop laughing. Game recognize game, Playa.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Foiled Again!

I would like to introduce you to my two new friends:

Heart head

and Floppy.

Apparently when you ask for a trim to make it more round, they hear, "I want to look like a comic book character in a crime series...hey how about Flat Top?"

I'm hoping a jar of this will save the day.

Don't make me go vinegar again...

Free Bird!

Move over Al Gore and Leo DiCaprio! There's a new unqualified spokesperson in town! Last Saturday I emceed a Global Warming awareness concert in Astoria Park, Queens called Temperature Check. It featured the bands Intersession, My Other Friend and Miss Marie, there was a raffle for kids, and was a rockin' good time.

The production staff was great, the music was wonderful, and the park is beautiful. Although 200 people were there, they were all spread out, which makes the "woo!" cheer a necessary tool. I was compensated with Monster energy drinks, pizza and chicken wings which is tastier than money, and I don't have to pay taxes on it.

Before I went on, they asked me to speak about the state of the environment and riff on the weather. I worked it all into my material, but that's certainly not the theme of my routine. There are Christian acts, Corporate acts and Clean acts. I wonder if there is a comedian out there who promotes himself as the Global Warming Guy.

"Hey don't look into the sun, folks. It's rude to stare! My doctor says I should stay away from UV rays, but I think he must have meant the VMAs! I spread sunscreen all over my television, and turned it over! Women are like the changing climates. Nobody knows what to do about 'em! You're a beautiful crowd. Don't ever change. I'll be playing the Whole Foods in Union Square next week."

Monday, September 10, 2007

Doing My Part

I was looking to make my beauty regimen Earth-friendly (read: cheaper), and I came across the fact that shampoo is the devil.
One alternative to putting chemicals in your hair is to wash it with baking soda and condition it with vinegar, a secret that people living in box cars have known for years.

I gave it a try, and waited for Templeton to do the backstroke in my ‘fro.

“Lots of POPcorn, apple cores, BAnana peels and soggy sandwiches…”

It turns out my hair looks, feels and SMELLS fine. Don’t call me a convert, because it does not pass the Fun Test. I can’t make sudsy horns like the witch in Sleeping Beauty. And it would take a while to learn not to associate womanhood with the scent of apples. Also, I’m afraid of becoming one of those people who uses a magic rock instead of deodorant.

What are YOU doing to save the world?

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

I'm Underground

I am very excited to be a part of the 2007 New York Underground Comedy Festival.

I was a little disappointed to find out that it is not sponsored by the Mole People.

Check me out at the Under 25 Show (or as they have called it since my birthday, the 25 and Under Show) at Broadway Comedy Club on Monday October 1st!

Sunday, September 2, 2007


You have 6 minutes to read this post, print it out and send it to ten trash cans.

The following e-mailed message is dubbed, "mighty fine advice", in which the author warns that if I do not send it out I will get, "a very unpleasant surprise". I didn't send it. I don't want to say she was right, but when I did laundry later, my dish towels came out slightly damp.

On a scale of one to ten, one being "plastic surgery will make you feel empowered!" and ten being, "don't cut off your nose to spite your face" this stuff is about a two.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

I often give long-winded answers on Monday mornings describing exactly how I'm doing. I do it cheerfully because I know people will avoid me afterwards.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.

First you will have to find a man-slash-woman. The drag queen's conversational skills do not improve with age as much as the makeup tips.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you

That's three things in one, Cheater. But I won't take this seriously, go to Vegas or doze off on the job ANYmore.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

But if you ever say, "I'm sorry I loved you" do it by e-mail.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

That way you'll probably turn 18 by the wedding day.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight. that the Gap has a reason to re-invent jeans.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream.

All babies talk in my dreams. They give profound speeches while wearing diapers. Sometimes they're wearing glasses.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only
way to live life completely.

You can also love like a crazy person. It's the only way to hurt someone before they hurt you.

TEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

Do judge their relatives by their hair style and choice of beer.

ELEVEN. Talk slowly but think quickly.

So you can always be bored with yourself.

TWELVE. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer,
smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

Bite your finger and laugh until they walk away.

THIRTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

Do you NOT care that their soul is escaping?!

FOURTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson

The lesson being that you are not a winner. Because you might actually try to enter a beat box competition again.

FIFTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others;
and responsibility for all your actions.

Respect, Respect and Responsibility...let's add Rinse and Repeat for an even six.

SIXTEEN. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your

Chew gum too. The caller will hear it in his nightmares.