Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Confidence


It's the eye of the lion, it's the cream of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge without tryin'
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all in the eeeeeeye
...of the lion...


I got a last-minute invitation to Chicks & Giggles, which came right after another taping of Comedy Central Presents (not mine, Grandma).

Kirk Fox was great


and we were also treated to a special called My First Time featuring Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter (who is also the host),


Mike Birbiglia,


and Bonnie McFarlane.


Whenever I watch live shows I get pumped about telling my own material. I tell it in my head as if I'm performing on television (and the crowd in my head gives the same excessive applause breaks). However, when I got to Mo Pitkin's that night, I was thrown by the four old women sitting in the front row. Thank you for being a friend, but you might want to travel down the road and back again while I tell these jokes.

My material isn't blue but it isn't exactly crafted for the elderly. I started trying to think of ways to relate to them (they know they smell like moth balls, right??), but was reminded that senior citizens have already lived through everything I talk about on stage. With no time to psyche myself out, I went up with the material I am working on. It was fun, and I didn't even have to tell Rose to shut up.

What have we learned kids? When times are tough, plow right on through. And be delusional about your level of talent. And ignore the old people in front of you.

Monday, August 27, 2007

OnStar-Studded Event

I recently went to a taping of Comedy Central Presents. I sold my extra ticket to Luke because I'm generous*. Waiting in line on 44th street became fun when an ambulance parked parallel to a Jaguar and left little room for any cars to pass through. Cab drivers showed the most guts by whizzing by, their back ends fishtailing while shouting, “Death to America”. A couple of guys driving Escalades cautiously took their turns to ensure a timely drug drop-off. The slowest car to pass through was a Porsche that arguably had the most room. He later turned the corner into a Summer’s Eve truck in an extreme case of redundancy.

We weren’t balding or wearing sweaty t-shirts, but we might as well have been the paparazzi for all the talent that passed by (metaphors are my forte).

British Comedians Curtis Walker, Gina Yashere and John Simmit left the Hudson Theater after performing for the International Fringe Festival.



Simmit’s credits include playing Dipsy the Green Teletubby...

...I can only assume he is a millionaire doing comedy for fun.

Dan Cummins stepped out and chatted with us before his show.

He went to grab us coffee but came back with enough just for himself. Headliners and their egos.

Comedy Central alumni who showed up for support: Michelle Buteau and Eric Andre.


The show was fun. Drew Fraser kept the crowd hyper with material in between the acts.

Bonnie McFarlane joked about just having a baby, and lo and behold, her husband, comedian Rich Vos was holding one in the back of the house after the show.
Sometimes comedians tell the truth on stage.

We left the theater through the Millennium Hotel lobby and sat for a while pretending we could afford couches.
Bonnie came through and asked us for help getting the stroller down some stairs. The baby began to cry which was decidedly unfunny. I guess the comedy gene skips a generation.

*For your free tickets to watch a taping of a show: http://ocatv.com/

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Friday, August 17, 2007

I Ain’t Sayin’ He’s a Gold Digger



Yes I am.

It looks like our President’s inability to produce sons isn’t the curse from the devil he once thought it was. By having daughters he can still guarantee a legacy in the White House by making sure they marry people like him. The pressed-down helmet hair with side-part, the monkey ears, the inexplicable attraction to The Joker…

From the news programs I’ve watched, the wedding is assumed to showcase the family as real people. Possible. There is no doubt in my mind the wedding party will get smashed, there will be chicken fingers at the reception, and some bald, fat guy will make a special appearance on the dance floor.


They also say first daughters who wed are often regarded as princesses. I’d be careful with the terminology, because usually when people aren’t happy with their king, things don’t go well…


"Tu m’├ętonnes." (“Word.”)


(I raise a bottle of root beer)

So congratulations to Jenna Bush and Henry Hager.

(I take a swig)

BUUUUUUUUURP.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Dogfighting. Really?



Hey Michael Vick,

Two words: People fighting. Not Ultimate Fighting or boxing matches, but couples on the verge of divorcing who like to chew each other out. Put them in a dusty ring, and throw in a catalyst like the dry cleaning or the cabinet with a loose door. If it's a particularly annoying couple, you wouldn't need more than a dvd of Blade: Trinity.

--What is it now?

"Nothing."

--Oh let's just get it over with. You're clearly upset.

"When we were at Blockbuster you said I can't watch a New Release without spoiling the ending."

--I said IF we watch a new release I HOPE you won't spoil the ending.

"That's not what you said."

--You're telling ME what I said? That's stupid.

"Stupid. I'm stupid now. Who wanted to rent BLADE?"

I'd bet against the person who's known to end with "Psh. Whatever." It's entertaining, it speaks to me, and it's nature's way.

Best of all, no dogs get hurt. Just kids.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Wash Your Face

You so funk stank nasty you ain’t got eye crusts, you got PIE CRUSTS!

Monday, August 13, 2007

Tangled Up in Blah

alternate title for this post: Denim's Da Breaks

Move over quilts and scarecrows. The Denim Shirt is popping up on people. And I don't mean on tour guides in Native American Art museums. I mean on famous people.
It's not exactly my thing, but maybe it's like the Emporer's New Clothes. No one can see how hot it is but the person wearing it.

Jay Leno




"I have a reputation in this business of being kind enough to give you the shirt off my back. Unless of course it's denim."


Linda Rondstadt




"Why do I wear it? Well I guess I never gave it much thought. Sometimes you feel bloated...and you're also late for hosting a chili cook-off."


Brad Pitt?




"I pair my DS with a cowboy hat and a smile. Do you know a better way to make the 1991 cover of Focus on the Family?"


A plague on society or the comfy alternative to a burlap sack? Denim shirts. Good enough for millionaires.


Submit your Denim Sighting to curlycomedy(at)yahoo.com

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Roots

Not just a great story.

A fashion statement.

It’s like Scary Spice and I have the same stylist. “This season, never leave home without a black top, silver hoop earrings, a white smile and a clash of colors on the head.”

Our lives our more parallel than you might think. For instance, I have two pairs of sunglasses from different vendors who ignore me whenever I come to complain about the merchandise. Get it?

I do a lot of bragging about my sunglasses at first then often neglect them until they’re damaged. Get it?

Even though I can afford to repair them and get new ones I still try to haggle with the guy who gave me my last pair so he’ll reimburse me. He has so many already! Why shouldn’t he front the cost? I wouldn’t have them if I didn’t run into him anyway. You follow?

(I raise a bottle of root beer)

Here’s to you, Mel B...

(I swig)

Don’t sit on ‘em.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

I'm a Human Blanket



You know that scene in So I Married an Axe Murderer where Mike Myers is trapped in a bed and breakfast with his new bride, and he suspects that she killed all her husbands before him? At dinner, he’s pushed to the dance floor with her, trying to figure out an escape plan, and a storm causes the lights to go out.

Myers: You’ve gotta help me! I married a—

(Lights come back on)

Myers: …wonderful woman. Who I love and cherish…

WELL...

You’ve gotta help me! I'm stuck in a--

(boss walks by my desk)

...wonderful state. Called New Jersey. For two weeks. Working on a challenging and rewarding project for a good company."

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Bet You Can't Eat Just One Hundred

This just in: marijuana is now available at Au Bon Pain.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

DUM dum dum dee DUM dum dum dee Dada dada!

Matt Little's Big Surprise

There’s a family fun park* in Indiana called “Great Times”, and it ain’t got nothin’ on Matt Little’s Big Show. Granted, I have never been to Great Times, but I’m sure they would change their name to So-So Happenings if they understood what Matt and Kasey are offering each month.

This was my first time at Gotham City Improv, a studio not to be confused with the comedy club of a similar name or the town where Batman lives.


Thug: Who are you?
Keaton: I’m Bathmat.
Burton: CUT!

The show comes complete with an opening monologue, guests who are interviewed, a pragmatic, guitar-playing sidekick, home-made commercials, games for the audience, musical guests and a stand-up segment! I was the stand-up. It felt just like what I imagine being on Letterman is like, but without the blinding fear. The best part is, I can occasionally glance at a monitor to see that, yes my underwear IS poking out the back of my pants. And to think, at other shows, I’d have to wonder.

Aside from the scheduled programming, there is also room for ad-libbing and audience participation which makes it as fun, intimate and spontaneous as a show in a comedy club.

I HIGHLY recommend you check it out, because the more seats that are filled, the closer it feels to actually watching a live taping of Conan. It’s just missing the arctic blast of air conditioning to freeze you into alertness. This is creativity and hard work at its best, and in a city where self-produced shows pop up and are destroyed quicker than junk mail, you would be a fool not to try to enjoy it.

*family fun park: attractions on a cement foundation smaller than an amusement park but bigger than your driveway.